Well, it is about time.
The past few days I have been caught in a relapse of emotion summoning all of the emotion that has been released, experienced, and stored over the past months. I have had to look at myself and honestly acknowledge what I was allowing myself to be, what I have done, and what I have entertained. It has not been a pleasant examination, but it has been a time of growth. It has been a time where once again I see all the pieces falling out of my hands, and while I frantically try to hold everything together I also hear a voice calling out to me telling me that everything is still okay. While everything has slipped from my hands, the hands of my Savior have been too small in my eyes, while I am in fact still within His palm.
Piece One: Relationships
I have experienced a lot of change since December of 2008. Some of you may have known, but most of you probably were unaware. Last December held a decision for a 16 month relationship to come to a close. It was a decision that we both made together, and it is a decision that I still agree with, but it has been a difficult time for me. I have tried letting go and moving on, tried to stay friends, all the things and lessons that I should have learned already, but I was trying to hold on - again.
It took me a while to realize I was trying to hold on, but once I did you can imagine the crash that echoed through my world. After that point though, I could begin to heal and move on. Since then I have continued to learn and grow as an individual, and also within the realm of relationships for a later time (later being whenever the next one comes!).
More recently I have had to admit to myself that I have again been trying to force the "next one". At times I question the window that I seem to be looking through as any really nice girl I have met recently seems to either be 24 to 26, finished with school, working and working toward their dreams, and too busy for a college senior - OR - she has been 17, too young, and too young. SO...
Back to me and God, friends, and family. Some days are alright, but others are very difficult. It becomes easy to start questioning my own "okayness". 'Is something wrong with me? If not, why hasn't anything come to fruition?'
It hasn't been overly helpful that half of my friends graduated this past semester, and most of them are also dating, engaged, or getting married this summer. Did I mention I was invited to attend 4 weddings this summer, and be in 2 of those? Yeah... I am excited for my friends, and yet I know there will be moments when I will be wishing that I had my own beautiful bride dressed in white to watch as she walked down the aisle. Keep dreaming and hoping, right? The anticipation hasn't diminished at all, but the level of patience required seems to be under testing and development. *sigh* Alright, I think you get the idea
Piece Two: Family
This is somewhat related to the first piece, but at the same time a completely separate issue. We have been experiencing a lot of change. Dad got a new job, and the family is now in the middle of relocating back North. Not a bad thing, but more change in the midst of everything else! Yay, Life! Sister passed her certification to be an LMT, and she has begun to plan to stay in SC while Mom and Dad move North. So much for going home and getting to see everyone at the same time. Life again, I know
God has been amazing in this area as we have all gone through round after round of trial, questioning, needs, and hurt. Through it all He has remained faithful, and awesome. He is always worthy of our praise and devotion. Praise God!
Piece Three: God
As I just mentioned, He hasn't changed a whole lot, but my relationship with Him has. I have been walking through a time similar to the time the Hebrew nation spent wandering through the Wilderness. His faithfulness has been displayed time and time again, even in the midst of decisions and after affects. However, it has also been a very dry time as I have struggled to spend time with Him everyday, and I have failed time after time to seek Him for all of the basic things in this life. Peace. Joy. Forgiveness. The list goes on. He has been faithful to me! There has been peace in the storm. He has brought friends and mentors into my life to help me, encouraging me to keep running one day at a time. All the while teaching me what it means to persevere, to continue on toward the prize, and to run the race so as to win the prize. I will always be in awe of God and how he orchestrates even the smallest details of my life. How good He is to notice me in my need and supply! Amen!
Piece Four: Post-Collegiate Employment
This one has been tough on me. I am a planner, and while my room doesn't always look like things are in a planned condition, it does actually bother me when things are out of order (contrary to my Mother's opinion). I have expressed thoughts about joining the military and pursuing a career as a pilot, either fixed or rotor wing. I could also pursue the maintenance track. Obviously one does not have to join the military to do those things, but at this time it seems the jobs are the most stable. I am not thrilled about working for an airline, or in a small shop (only because I am fairly certain it will not permit me to pay my college loans in a reasonable fashion).
I am also exploring the idea of working part or full time and pursuing a second degree in education. I would focus more on the high school level, and hope to teach either mathematics, physics, or history. Good mix right? I could also pursue a dozen or so other random tracks - automobile mechanic, musician (possibly within church ministry), artist, poet/songwriter, and the list goes on...
I think I will stop here for now, because that is enough for me to think about and process, let alone you guys! Feel free to leave comments, questions, and feel free to pray for me and my family if you think about us. Goodnight you guys, Peace be with you.
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